I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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