My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
