I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
