I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
