I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
