My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
