Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
