It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
