I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
