I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
