so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
