Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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