hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
