Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
