I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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