Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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