now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
