The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
