If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
