We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
