I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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