if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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