The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
