Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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