I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
