I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
