i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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