If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
