Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
