All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You have to summon your inner elephant
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
