You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
