Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
