going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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