How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
