what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
