I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
