we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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