he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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