Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
