I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
