whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
