Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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