happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
