ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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