He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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