i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
