every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Do vagina's smell?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
