Swine flu. Run for my life!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
