I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
