If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
