her vagine was all disorganized.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
