Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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