Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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