im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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