I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
a search helicopter?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
