So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
