I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
