Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
