sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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