He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
