I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
