I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
