Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
