her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
